Journal Pages

December 30, 2021

I had a very eventful night while sleeping. It all started when my first husband, who is deceased, found an old, ratty sectional sofa that was being thrown out and he wanted me to help him move it into an upstairs apartment. I thought it was a stupid idea but I helped him anyway.

Then things took a turn for the worse. I really thought this nonsense was happening and I was terrified. I woke up outside in the middle of the night in an area I didn’t recognize. I thought I had blacked out or been drugged.

I saw a large dark building and I went inside to look for help. I heard people whispering and I walked into a dimly lit office and found 3 people in there. There were 2 guys sneaking a kiss behind a file cabinet and a girl at a desk. I asked how far was I from PCB. They said I was about 10 miles from there. I offered them $20 to give me a ride. They agreed. I was worried about how I would pay them when I looked down to see that I had my purse in my possession.

Next thing I knew, I was back outside all alone and it was early morning hours. I assumed I had blacked out again and these people left me somewhere. Then I heard a voice call out to me through a speaker. I couldn’t see him anywhere. It was the owner of the land I was near and his name was Ian. I asked him if he could help me because I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. Suddenly I was surrounded by people questioning me and shaking their head like I was lying. One of them was a cop and he was telling someone my story on the phone. I wanted him or someone to drive me home but nobody offered. Finally Ian said he would take me home but he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to control himself around me. I told him I could control myself and him too, please just take me home. By now it’s daylight and there are people everywhere. There was a ball game about to take place on this field. I looked around and realized I had lost sight of Ian. I called out his name and he said “I’m right here, I just put on a ball cap.” The last thing I remember was walking faster to catch up with him. I awoke again to find myself in my soft comfy bed with daylight streaming through the blinds. I was so happy to be home at last.

I don’t know anything about dream interpretation. I haven’t even read a book on the subject. But it seems to me that this dream was a projection of my feelings about being alone with so few people around that I know and trust.

December 29, 2021

Ahh, the week between Christmas and New Years…for me it’s the perfect time to take a step back and get clear about where I’ve been….and where I’m going. And to write my signature motivational blog post. But that’s not quite what happened this time. Instead I spiraled out of control.

I have been super focused on building my business for the last couple of days. I bet I drove my family crazy talking about it. I got home from Tennessee Sunday evening and had car lag. I laid in the bed and binge watched the newest episodes of 90 Day Fiance then went to sleep. I had to work the next two days but found enough free time and energy to rearrange my office, make lots of lists and plans, work on my new business, make a vision board and even write a motto!!! (Make it true in ‘22! ) Is this normal? Please, email me and give me your thoughts.

Personally, I feel like I might have a condition called cyclothymia. Cyclothymia causes emotional ups and downs, but they're not as extreme as in bipolar disorder. With cyclothymia, you experience periods when your mood noticeably shifts up and down from your baseline. You may feel on top of the world for a time, followed by a low period when you feel somewhat down. Between these cyclothymic highs and lows, you feel stable and fine.

I am not one to think I have every disorder I hear of. In fact, I feel like I have extraordinary health; both physical and mental. But I recognized and struggled with these symptoms long before I heard of this condition. The up periods are almost manic yet I don’t realize I’m in it’s throes until it’s over. Just like not waking a sleepwalker, you shouldn’t try to reason with me while I’m in the zone. Oh, well. It is what it is. But now it is affecting my relationships.

It all started when I wanted to make plans for this day and my friend wanted to be spontaneous. I agreed to set aside a few hours for spontaneity as long as the weather cooperated. I also needed to know exactly what we were doing so that I would know how to dress. I didn’t see the problem. I don’t even know what happened after that. It’s all a blur. I get so focused that I don’t see, hear or understand anything that doesn’t agree with my point of view. One misunderstanding after another and now we are mad. And I am mad and sad at the same time. I wish I could have shut off my mind for an afternoon and walked on the beach. :(

I know that I have strong opinions and at times I deliver them as delicately as a sledgehammer. Now I am feeling like I just need to shut up. Who am I to try to encourage people about 2022? My new motto is “Settle down.” Who am I to try to convince someone they can do anything they want in life? If they want to, they will. If they don’t want to, they won’t. I guess this is the start of the low period. Looking forward to feeling stable and fine again.

But, it’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. :) Really, don’t worry. Also, it’s winter. Ughh. But I’ll be your cheerleader again in a couple of days. Long term I am going to work on being more accepting of other peoples points of view and more respectful of their opinions and feelings. I am going to preach less and lead by example more. I will give you small doses of positivity instead of cramming it down your throat. It’s going to be GRRR… It’s going to be moderately good. Happy New year!